I realize in life we all experience ups and downs. When I started this program it was challenging balancing work and being a student again. After each semester, it was a little easier, I was able to balance both and I finally found my groove. I did not expect the obstacles I encountered while trying to negotiate my internship.
First, my supervisor would not approve me to take 16 hours off in order to complete an internship at Child and Welfare. At this point, I had an MSW supervisor agree to supervise my hours. I also had paperwork signed from HR approving internship. The school was understanding and did not want me to quit school or work and agreed to let me complete internship in my position. Well again, supervisors would not allow me to use my position for internship hours. On top of that Human Resources was involved and conducting meetings on my behalf. Through all this I started to get flack from both the Clinical Coordinator and Clinical Supervisor. These last couple of months have been real trying and I keep telling myself there is a reason for all of this. I still have not figured out the reason. In reflection it makes me glad to be learning about power and position. I hope to not ever have to tell someone "no I cant help them". This has been mind blowing and challenging and has made me question power and position in bureaucratic organizations.
I did apply and get a new job working for the STAR team in Mental Health. I am very excited for this new adventure what ever it may bring. In my interview I asked about internship and I still was given " we cant promise anything". On top of all this my financial aid has not gone through because I am not taking 5 units. I am at a loss and hope things start looking better. Heavy sigh.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Freewriting Experience
I actually completed a few free write exercises while reading "Undoing the Silence". I am really wanting to learn to dig deeper than my surface--ahhh was that a metaphor- anyhow I enjoyed my free write as a purge of my current thoughts about life and work. I actually wrote in a notebook in pen for fifteen minutes then I picked up the book to read about judging ourselves. Yes, I do this alot- Im doing it now- and I learned it is hard to get out of that frame of mind. I worry what I sound like to the reader, is this too boring, can i pick different words, have I made a mistake? Too many voices and my own critics coming out at once. I silenced them for a few minutes and the second time, I typed instead for five minutes. I have an extremely hard time not correcting my mistakes while typing away on a keyboard. I don't know if its habit. I almost cant do it- I cant not correct them. It is not a perfectionist way, it happens so often, I am too aware of it to not notice. This effects my train of thought and changes what I am writing about. I kept going back to correct everything until I finally said ok no more im gonna do it- no corrections and I did, but it drove me crazy. I deleted what I typed that day so I don't even remember what it was about.
Tonight, I completed another free write this time I saved it so I can add on. I opened the shades and sat in my living room staring out at the view outside. It was dusk the sun was going down and there was paintbrush clouds int he sky. I wrote about the five senses and what stuck out the most was the wind shaking the trees and making the house creek. What I enjoyed was how I found a sense of peace, in my own home. I never really appreciated sitting in front of this window staring at a beautiful landscape of oak tress and rolling hills. I asked my husband one day why we bought this particular house and he said the view. Now, I mostly cover it up with geometric curtains to keep the sun out. This assignment gave me a chance to appreciate something in front of me that I never seen before. I decided to explore further on my next free write and sit outside on the deck and hope to discover more serenity within my grasp.
Tonight, I completed another free write this time I saved it so I can add on. I opened the shades and sat in my living room staring out at the view outside. It was dusk the sun was going down and there was paintbrush clouds int he sky. I wrote about the five senses and what stuck out the most was the wind shaking the trees and making the house creek. What I enjoyed was how I found a sense of peace, in my own home. I never really appreciated sitting in front of this window staring at a beautiful landscape of oak tress and rolling hills. I asked my husband one day why we bought this particular house and he said the view. Now, I mostly cover it up with geometric curtains to keep the sun out. This assignment gave me a chance to appreciate something in front of me that I never seen before. I decided to explore further on my next free write and sit outside on the deck and hope to discover more serenity within my grasp.
Friday, February 8, 2013
A New Chapter
February 8th, 2013
Well I am glad to be getting back into the groove of things. In case anyone was wondering, I had some challenges with my work place and they were unable to support me in my internship. I had a very disappointing few months, but I think I am over it. I cant help but feel they won something over me due to their place of power, but hey I am not broken. I have learned people will try to keep you down along the way, especially if you let them. I am just glad I am able to stay in school and hopefully transition into a new position soon. I applied for two mental health positions so wish me luck.
I continue to be interested in blogging and actually wanted to create a new one. I also feel that I would like some privacy and wonder if thats normal. The idea of someone reading my journal (if i had one) seems a little invasive. My question is -if the more comfortable we get at this, would we eventually feel confident enough to share with the world? Professionally, I would imagine clients would find me, so I would not be able to have an open blog. Under a pseudo name will probably be how I handle that.
After reading some of our readings this week, I completed some free writing exercises and realized I still enjoy writing, as long as the topic interest me. I realized also that I keep alot of my thoughts private- I have this saying I use "For being a social worker, I am not very social". I think this is only a part of me that shuts down after work. I think it is part of my balance to have this quietness and silence. Another part of me never stops being a social worker because I have found myself in public providing resources that I am familiar with in the community.
Well I am glad to be getting back into the groove of things. In case anyone was wondering, I had some challenges with my work place and they were unable to support me in my internship. I had a very disappointing few months, but I think I am over it. I cant help but feel they won something over me due to their place of power, but hey I am not broken. I have learned people will try to keep you down along the way, especially if you let them. I am just glad I am able to stay in school and hopefully transition into a new position soon. I applied for two mental health positions so wish me luck.
I continue to be interested in blogging and actually wanted to create a new one. I also feel that I would like some privacy and wonder if thats normal. The idea of someone reading my journal (if i had one) seems a little invasive. My question is -if the more comfortable we get at this, would we eventually feel confident enough to share with the world? Professionally, I would imagine clients would find me, so I would not be able to have an open blog. Under a pseudo name will probably be how I handle that.
After reading some of our readings this week, I completed some free writing exercises and realized I still enjoy writing, as long as the topic interest me. I realized also that I keep alot of my thoughts private- I have this saying I use "For being a social worker, I am not very social". I think this is only a part of me that shuts down after work. I think it is part of my balance to have this quietness and silence. Another part of me never stops being a social worker because I have found myself in public providing resources that I am familiar with in the community.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
This Weeks Jumbled Thoughts
If we are going to discuss thinking, I have to explain what my mind has been doing the last few weeks. The last major paper was our Data Analysis and for a whole week I did my homework while asleep in my head between alarms. I knew what graphs I was going to create and how I was going to lay out my ideas in the written part and finished it on Saturday. Sometimes I think it is stress or too much pressure but in this case it was not crunch time. Again this last week I did it again with my reflection paper. I think I am compiling my thoughts in my head and then when I sit down to write my thoughts are easier to organize. Weird.
If I had to choose one pattern of thinking I felt related to it was the Hispanic, French, and Italian. I write like I am talking and tend to want to put how I feel about certain situations before getting to the point. I find myself taking out some of my thoughts in order to refocus on the point I am trying to make. More simplistic and less creative. The Asian one also sounds a little like my writing, at times confusing and repetitious. I find it hard to put creativity in our writing for school with so much emphasis on facts. Also, I am not very deep because I am always afraid to be judged. I feel writing doesn't come naturally to me like it used to and I think I need more free write practice.
If I had to choose one pattern of thinking I felt related to it was the Hispanic, French, and Italian. I write like I am talking and tend to want to put how I feel about certain situations before getting to the point. I find myself taking out some of my thoughts in order to refocus on the point I am trying to make. More simplistic and less creative. The Asian one also sounds a little like my writing, at times confusing and repetitious. I find it hard to put creativity in our writing for school with so much emphasis on facts. Also, I am not very deep because I am always afraid to be judged. I feel writing doesn't come naturally to me like it used to and I think I need more free write practice.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Right and Left Brain Strengths
When reviewing this weeks assignment, I assumed I fell mostly on one side of the brain. When reflecting on the ideas as strengths and weaknesses, I noticed I had several qualities on each side. In my reflection of my past educational grades or elective choices, I concluded I never was strong in Math or Science. In turn, I believed I was more creative and took drama and art.
While examining the picture of what the left brain is responsible for, I picked out a few strengths.
Memorizing for my ability to memorize and sing songs.
Grammar, spelling, and technical skills have always been a strong subjects for me and I remember winning a spelling bee when I was younger.
Writing has led me to the social science field because I needed to stick to learning things I was good at ( no Algebra).
Evidence and analysis are also ideas I am interested in, I watch crime shows and have a degree in Criminal Justice. I don't feel I am incredibly deep, but feel I have to be analytical to read between the lines to understand my clientele in my profession.
Now the right side of the brain, is what I remember being more of.
I feel I am very intuitive and have been told by many elders I have great insight of people and human behavior. I have always felt I was an old soul who knew much more than what I lead people to believe. I feel more deep and connected to understanding others and behavior.
I looked up spatial thinking because I didn't know hat it meant and it sounds like math, geometry or computer science, but it also said solving problems. I do feel I enjoy working towards solving problems. The creativity of feelings, emotions, and dreams has always fascinated me. I do think people need to practice to be more creative. At this point, I feel more right brained and trusting what I feel is part of the right brain --oddly.
Ok, so I went and found a test online so I can further explore what I am stronger in. I am laughing because apparently my intuitive senses of myself are not very good. However, the test graded me dominant left brained. I felt the test asked many questions related to rule breaking and structure.
http://similarminds.com/cgi-bin/brain.pl
I decided to take another test and again I was left brain dominant but more in the 50% range.I felt more confident in this survey and felt it was more accurate. One thing that surprised me was how I should be a mathematician. WHAT??
http://www.wherecreativitygoestoschool.com/vancouver/left_right/rb_test.htm
While examining the picture of what the left brain is responsible for, I picked out a few strengths.
Memorizing for my ability to memorize and sing songs.
Grammar, spelling, and technical skills have always been a strong subjects for me and I remember winning a spelling bee when I was younger.
Writing has led me to the social science field because I needed to stick to learning things I was good at ( no Algebra).
Evidence and analysis are also ideas I am interested in, I watch crime shows and have a degree in Criminal Justice. I don't feel I am incredibly deep, but feel I have to be analytical to read between the lines to understand my clientele in my profession.
Now the right side of the brain, is what I remember being more of.
I feel I am very intuitive and have been told by many elders I have great insight of people and human behavior. I have always felt I was an old soul who knew much more than what I lead people to believe. I feel more deep and connected to understanding others and behavior.
I looked up spatial thinking because I didn't know hat it meant and it sounds like math, geometry or computer science, but it also said solving problems. I do feel I enjoy working towards solving problems. The creativity of feelings, emotions, and dreams has always fascinated me. I do think people need to practice to be more creative. At this point, I feel more right brained and trusting what I feel is part of the right brain --oddly.
Ok, so I went and found a test online so I can further explore what I am stronger in. I am laughing because apparently my intuitive senses of myself are not very good. However, the test graded me dominant left brained. I felt the test asked many questions related to rule breaking and structure.
http://similarminds.com/cgi-bin/brain.pl
I decided to take another test and again I was left brain dominant but more in the 50% range.I felt more confident in this survey and felt it was more accurate. One thing that surprised me was how I should be a mathematician. WHAT??
http://www.wherecreativitygoestoschool.com/vancouver/left_right/rb_test.htm
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Barriers to Higher Learning
As I sat in my room and completed my drawing I realized how I procrastinated this assignment. I was looking forward to it and pulled the markers and paper out a few days back. As I wrote my barriers or obstacles down I realized why I procrastinate to do much of my homework on Sunday. The following are the ideas of the barriers I am feeling through out the week.
My first barrier was the concept of time. I feel like I never have enough. Each day after work I come home with hopes of starting my reading for the week. After dinner, sometimes I simply feel too tired from the days work to comprehend anything I read. Tuesday turns into Wednesday and then I get started.
My next idea is that I worry I am not smart enough. When I struggle with ideas or take too long to get started on assignment I tend to shut down. For example coming up with idea for policy class Running into these bumps in the road cause me to rethink my decision to continue with school. After it all comes together, I feel proud of myself, but it is that initial doubt that makes me want to run.
When the weekend comes around and now I have a paper due and most of my homework--I want to play. I want to shop, I want to be outside, I want to clean the house, or visit my family. Yesterday morning, I made a retaining wall outside with my husband. Then I came in and worked about 8-9 hours and finished my paper around 10:00.
The next barrier I drew was lack of motivation. Sometimes I just dont feel like doing what needs to be done. I have always been responsible but I know I am better under pressure. So this habit is why I wait until Sunday to complete my homework. The last thing I drew about was worry that too much homework would cause me to burn out. Summer was a perfect example of this. That was a hard crazy summer and some of the group work were potential obstacles.
After all this I realized my schedule works for me. The weekends are my time to really be available mindfully to concentrate and focus on my work. I realize I am capable of completing this program and I do not need to be a perfectionist or have the best ideas the main thing is that I am learning something new as I go along.
My first barrier was the concept of time. I feel like I never have enough. Each day after work I come home with hopes of starting my reading for the week. After dinner, sometimes I simply feel too tired from the days work to comprehend anything I read. Tuesday turns into Wednesday and then I get started.
My next idea is that I worry I am not smart enough. When I struggle with ideas or take too long to get started on assignment I tend to shut down. For example coming up with idea for policy class Running into these bumps in the road cause me to rethink my decision to continue with school. After it all comes together, I feel proud of myself, but it is that initial doubt that makes me want to run.
When the weekend comes around and now I have a paper due and most of my homework--I want to play. I want to shop, I want to be outside, I want to clean the house, or visit my family. Yesterday morning, I made a retaining wall outside with my husband. Then I came in and worked about 8-9 hours and finished my paper around 10:00.
The next barrier I drew was lack of motivation. Sometimes I just dont feel like doing what needs to be done. I have always been responsible but I know I am better under pressure. So this habit is why I wait until Sunday to complete my homework. The last thing I drew about was worry that too much homework would cause me to burn out. Summer was a perfect example of this. That was a hard crazy summer and some of the group work were potential obstacles.
After all this I realized my schedule works for me. The weekends are my time to really be available mindfully to concentrate and focus on my work. I realize I am capable of completing this program and I do not need to be a perfectionist or have the best ideas the main thing is that I am learning something new as I go along.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Free writing and walking down memory lane
The free writing exercise went well. First, I was surprised that I pulled out a sheet of notebook paper because I associated the assignment with journaling. Then I thought about it and said there is no reason why I cant do a word document. Now not correcting it was a different story- I don't know if its out of habit but I could not go along and not correct my mistakes. Towards the end I was making myself not correct them. My ten minutes flew by and I barely was able to revisit two places I have been.
I ended up writing about my vacations when I was a teenager. I wrote about my trip to Hawaii and then my senior trip was on a cruise. I realized I kinda like to write about memories or things I have experienced. It also gave me a chance to ponder on where those people are now. For example, I had a friend who had moved to Hawaii and I was able to visit him but then we lost touched. While writing about my cruise to Mexico I remembered our waiter and wondered where all the people I went with are today although I am still friends with Alysia, but its weird how life changes so much over time.
Continuing on with my journey, I also spent a lot of time in Yosemite. My friend worked there, and I would travel there once a month to go rock climbing and hang out. I went to Mexico again when I was 22 and stayed in a condo in Cabo San Lucas. When thinking back on this vacation and friendships, I have stayed friends with all of them. We continue to meet up every few months and stay in contact over Facebook.
Well there are simply too many places I have been to sit and write them all. But the last vacation I took was last year to Port Aransas, Texas with my husband. We were at a sand castle festival and went shark fishing. I remember we also road a fairy to get there. I think it is time to plan a new trip next year, I am thinking of researching an Alaska Cruise.
I ended up writing about my vacations when I was a teenager. I wrote about my trip to Hawaii and then my senior trip was on a cruise. I realized I kinda like to write about memories or things I have experienced. It also gave me a chance to ponder on where those people are now. For example, I had a friend who had moved to Hawaii and I was able to visit him but then we lost touched. While writing about my cruise to Mexico I remembered our waiter and wondered where all the people I went with are today although I am still friends with Alysia, but its weird how life changes so much over time.
Continuing on with my journey, I also spent a lot of time in Yosemite. My friend worked there, and I would travel there once a month to go rock climbing and hang out. I went to Mexico again when I was 22 and stayed in a condo in Cabo San Lucas. When thinking back on this vacation and friendships, I have stayed friends with all of them. We continue to meet up every few months and stay in contact over Facebook.
Well there are simply too many places I have been to sit and write them all. But the last vacation I took was last year to Port Aransas, Texas with my husband. We were at a sand castle festival and went shark fishing. I remember we also road a fairy to get there. I think it is time to plan a new trip next year, I am thinking of researching an Alaska Cruise.
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