Challenges

I realize in life we all experience ups and downs.  When I started this program it was challenging balancing work and being a student again.  After each semester, it was a little easier, I was able to balance both and I finally found my groove.  I did not expect the obstacles I encountered while trying to negotiate my internship. 

First, my supervisor would not approve me to take 16 hours off in order to complete an internship at Child and Welfare.  At this point, I had an MSW supervisor agree to supervise my hours.  I also had paperwork signed from HR approving internship.  The school was understanding and did not want me to quit school or work and agreed to let me complete internship in my position.  Well again, supervisors would not allow me to use my position for internship hours.  On top of that Human Resources was involved and conducting meetings on my behalf.  Through all this I started to get flack from both the Clinical Coordinator and Clinical Supervisor.  These last couple of months have been real trying and I keep telling myself there is a reason for all of this.  I still have not figured out the reason.  In reflection it makes me glad to be learning about power and position.  I hope to not ever have to tell someone "no I cant help them".  This has been mind blowing and challenging and has made me question power and position in bureaucratic organizations.

I did apply and get a new job working for the STAR team in Mental Health.  I am very excited for this new adventure what ever it may bring.  In my interview I asked about internship and I still was given " we cant promise anything".  On top of all this my financial aid has not gone through because I am not taking 5 units.  I am at a loss and hope things start looking better.  Heavy sigh. 

Freewriting Experience

I actually completed a few free write exercises while reading "Undoing the Silence".  I am really wanting to learn to dig deeper than my surface--ahhh was that a metaphor- anyhow I enjoyed my free write as a purge of my current thoughts about life and work.  I actually wrote in a notebook in pen for fifteen minutes then I picked up the book to read about judging ourselves.  Yes, I do this alot- Im doing it now- and I learned it is hard to get out of that frame of mind.  I worry what I sound like to the reader, is this too boring, can i pick different words, have I made a mistake?  Too many voices and my own critics coming out at once.  I silenced them for a few minutes and the second time, I typed instead for five minutes.  I have an extremely hard time not correcting my mistakes while typing away on a keyboard. I don't know if its habit. I almost cant do it- I cant not correct them.  It is not a perfectionist way, it happens so often, I am too aware of it to not notice.  This effects my train of thought and changes what I am writing about.  I kept going back to correct everything until I finally said ok no more im gonna do it- no corrections and I did, but it drove me crazy.  I deleted what I typed that day so I don't even remember what it was about.

Tonight, I completed another free write this time I saved it so I can add on. I opened the shades and sat in my living room staring out at the view outside.  It was dusk the sun was going down and there was paintbrush clouds int he sky.  I wrote about the five senses and what stuck out the most was the wind shaking the trees and making the house creek.  What I enjoyed was how I found a sense of peace, in my own home.  I never really appreciated sitting in front of this window staring at a beautiful landscape of oak tress and rolling hills.  I asked my husband one day why we bought this particular house and he said the view.  Now, I mostly cover it up with geometric curtains to keep the sun out. This assignment gave me a chance to appreciate something in front of me that I never seen before.  I decided to explore further on my next free write and sit outside on the deck and hope to discover more serenity within my grasp.  

 

A New Chapter

February 8th, 2013

Well I am glad to be getting back into the groove of things.  In case anyone was wondering, I had some challenges with my work place and they were unable to support me in my internship.  I had a very disappointing few months, but I think I am over it.  I cant help but feel they won something over me due to their place of power, but hey I am not broken. I have learned people will try to keep you down along the way, especially if you let them.  I am just glad I am able to stay in school and hopefully transition into a new position soon.  I applied for two mental health positions so wish me luck.

I continue to be interested in blogging and actually wanted to create a new one.  I also feel that I would like some privacy and wonder if thats normal.  The idea of someone reading my journal (if i had one) seems a little invasive.  My question is -if the more comfortable we get at this, would we eventually feel confident enough to share with the world?  Professionally, I would imagine clients would find me, so I would not be able to have an open blog.  Under a pseudo name will probably be how I handle that.  

After reading some of our readings this week, I completed some free writing exercises and realized I still enjoy writing, as long as the topic interest me.  I realized also that I keep alot of my thoughts private- I have this saying I use "For being a social worker, I am not very social".  I think this is only a part of me that shuts down after work.  I think it is part of my balance to have this quietness and silence.  Another part of me never stops being a social worker because I have found myself in public providing resources that I am familiar with in the community.